[3.25/10] Drunk Parents (2019)

Drunk Parents (2019)

  

Quick Review: Rather disgraceful then simply drunk, these regressive middle-aged parents portrayed by the miscast Alec Baldwind and the overacting Salma Hayek are by no means funny, let alone role models of any kind, plus the on-screen pair doomed to play them have close to zero chemistry between each other, and that along with the amateurish direction, TV-level-cheap looks, and painfully witless script instantly puts "Drunk Parents" on the race for 'the worst comedy' this year.

[3.25/10] Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Quick Review: The silliest, corniest and also the most sloppily-directed and shoddily-executed of all three, this god-awful final chapter in the so 'popular for all the wrong reasons' erotic trilogy is an utter cheese-fest from beginning to end -- if you can get through the phony acting, stupid dialogues, maddeningly sappy plot, far-from-kinky sex scenes, and the poor attempts at thriller in the third act, you might survive "Fifty Shades Freed", and thank God you never ever have to see it again.

[3.25/10] A Few Less Men (2017)

A Few Less Men (2017)

Quick Review: To call this sequel to '12's "A Few Best Men" pointless would be a big understatement. Set as well as shot in Western Australia, this one offers lavish scenery, lifted by some vibrant use of colors, but that's about it really. Crude, juvenile, often offensive, and totally moronic, "A Few Less Men" tries too hard to be funny in a goody sort of way, but none of its dumb jokes and farcical situations deliver laughs, nor any of the silly characters contributes with decent physical comedy.

[3.25/10] Phoenix Forgotten (2017)

Phoenix Forgotten (2017)

Quick Review: Part documentary, part "X-Files" wannabe mystery, and shot in the well-known and worn out 'found footage' style, and terribly so, "Phoenix Forgotten" is very soon to be forgotten for various reasons -- generic, constantly  uneventful, and amateurishly-acted, this UFO horror doesn't have any right to be called such, as it is never chilling, or even close to suspenseful, not to mention it's so unattractive to look at, it hurts the eyes, and it is the poor flair and tacky direction to blame.

[3.25/10] The Gallows (2015)

The Gallows (2015)

Quick Review: Effective only at the very end, "The Gallows" is basically cursed to hang out and collect dust on the shelves, as it has nothing to offer, other than shaky camera work that will make you dizzy, a bunch of obnoxious characters you'd love to see dead at any point, and one or two scares so cheap, they feel more like failed attempts at such. Instead of creating an ominous atmosphere, the low-key lightning cheapens the visuals, and shows that this film has technical issues as well.

[3.25/10] Exeter (2015)

Exeter (2015)

Quick Review: Nispel's worst effort so far is a pure example of what is the messy result, when you attempt to blend various horror sub-genres in one movie, while borrowing ideas from a dozen other films, that aren't clever anyway. Playing as a hybrid of a 'haunted house' movie with an exorcism spin, and a hint of slasher, "Exeter" doesn't know in what horror category fits in, nor has a clear idea what to do with itself, not to mention the real bad twist in the end further ruins its over-ambitions.

[3.25/10] Sadako 3D (2012)

Sadako 3D (2012)

Brief review: Do you remember Gore Verbinski's horror masterpiece "The Ring", and the equally as sinister original Japanese version it was based on, called "Ringu"? Well, Tsutomu Hanabusa's "Sadako 3D" is sort of a sequel to the latter, but sadly, an unnecessary and terrible one. Although it wears the title of "Ringu"'s central character, this film reveals absolutely nothing about the origin of Sadako - there's no back story, no proper explanation, nothing... just a dumb, heavily contrived plot that makes no sense at all, and tons of cheesy CGIs. It plays more like an "updated" version of "Ringu" rather than trying to be creative, and bring something new to the table. And no more TVs and VHSs, guys! Sadako is more contemporary now, and she comes out of LCD monitors, plasma screens and iPhones. Sure, over the last ten years, technology has developed tremendously, so this "update" is understandable, but the whole 'cursed video' story got lamer and way less effective. Having said that, the worst thing about "Sadako 3D" is not the flat storyline, or that the film is lacking in scares big time, but the fact that the creators dared to destroy arguable the creepiest character in history of horror, by taking away all of the skin-crawling creepiness out of Sadako, and presenting her as your average ghost seeking for revenge. Hanabusa's direction is amateurish at best, the cinematography is bland, and that combined with the lame, made-for-3D special effects gives the film a dull look.

Overall summary: Daft, contrived, sensationally un-scary, but above all completely unnecessary, "Sadako 3D" is J-horror at its worst, not only because of its ridiculously cheap execution, but mainly because it ruins one of the creepiest characters ever, and makes it look lame.

[3.25/10] 11-11-11 (2011)

11-11-11 (2011)

Full review: Earlier this year, the director of "Saw" II, III & IV, Darren Lynn Bousman, brought us "Mother's Day" - the most memorable and brilliantly-brutal 'home invasion' movie released over the past few years. Unfortunately, not many good things can be said about his upcoming horror thriller, "11-11-11". In fact, Bousman's latest project is so God-awful, it's hard to believe that it got a theatrical release, even if a limited one. It should have gone straight-to-DVD, or why not straight-to-TV, as it looks and feels cheap, dull and dated from beginning to the end. The movie sounds very promising on paper, and makes us expect some kind of horrifying demonic apocalypse, but sadly, this misguided effort never lives up to its premise, hence, what we get is a stupid religious horror with and embarrassingly underdeveloped story, that features nothing more than overused horror cliches and cheap thrills. The supposed-to-be-shocking twist in the end, which is delivered in same style as "Saw", is downright ridiculous and hugely disappointing, just like the rest of the movie. "11-11-11" also could be described as "Insidious" meets "The Number 23", but not at all in a good way. It borrows some ideas from both films, but it neither has the creepiness of "Insidious", nor it's at least as potentially good as "The Number 23" was. Moreover, the film never uses the 11/11/11 gimmick properly. It's a superstitious date indeed, but the warning it brings is not much of a big deal, nor is very disturbing. It's a shame indeed, because in different hands, and with a better script, "11-11-11" could have been a solid and very intriguing horror movie. The acting is mediocre at best. Timothy Gibbs appears stiff and uncomfortable as the anxious Joseph Cronevery, whose life becomes plagued with strange happenings, and the constant sightings of the number 11. He's just a weak lead, and don't have the skills to carry the movie on his shoulders. Michael Landes does a decent job as Jospeh's religious brother Samuel, but he doesn't really have a lot to work with or enough screen time to shine. Wendy Glenn is often annoying as the obsessive stranger, Sadie, but thankfully she barely shows on the screen as well. Obviously, the director himself didn't have a clear inspiration, nor much enthusiasm for this movie, as "11-11-11" is an absolute lackluster in terms of execution and visuals. Bousman's direction is generic, lacking in creativity, and completely and utterly all over the place, which makes the film even more confusing and incoherent than it already is. Add to this a poor and incredibly sloppy editing, bland cinematography and sub-par special effects, and you get a movie that has a made-for-TV feel written all over it. Being set in Barcelona, Spain, "11-11-11" at least has some decent settings, some of which are gloomy, creepy and effective, unlike the movie itself.

Overall summary: Dull, unimaginative, poorly-crafted and, of course, gimmicky, Darren Lynn Bousman's cheap apocalyptic horror thriller "11-11-11" promises a lot, but delivers absolutely nothing. It's more awful than "Saw" II, III and IV put together, and it's hands down the worst, most pointless and underwhelming movie of the year so far.

[3.25/10] Unrequited (2010)

Unrequited (2010)

"Unrequited" is a lackluster psychological thriller, that unfolds around Ben Jacobs, who has been living for the past several months in a home for 'troubled teens'. On his 18th birthday he leaves the group home and moves back in with his alcoholic mother. Upon his return, Ben discovers that his girlfriend, Jessica Morgan, has moved on with her life and is now dating an older college guy. Desperate for love and unable to cope with losing Jessica, Ben’s troubled past catches up with him as he kidnaps her in an attempt to regain her affection, but soon things get out of control, and so does the movie itself. "Unrequited" is one of the worst cinematic experiences I've had this year. It's completely pointless, poorly-made, incredibly tedious and it feels so overlong, it was a torture to watch. Film's paper-thin tired plot is being stretched too far and the director is trying to wring more out of it than can be wrung. The end result is a thoroughly unengaging crappy thriller, that lacks thrills and scares and it has zero entertainment value. Actually, the scariest thing about "Unrequited" is the acting - it's either stiff and wooden or way too overstated. Michael Welch as the main protagonist, Ben, gives a hopeless, neurotic performance, that is so annoyingly over-the-top, it makes his character very unlikable and barely standable. Sarah Habel is truly eye-candy and undoubtedly captivating, but unfortunately, her acting skills are pretty mediocre. David Keith's character is probably the only one that is sympathetic - he's calm, sweet and kind, and he easily wins the heart of viewer. "Unrequited" is the first full-length feature film for director Jason Epperson, and it shows - his direction is all-over-the-place, the editing is simply dreadful, and the film is full of countless stupid flashbacks that do nothing but confuse the audience. At least the cinematography is decent. Overall, "Unrequited" is a dull, uninteresting and overly-cliched psycholgical thriller, that totally fails to deliver.

[3.25/10] Basement (2010)

Basement (2010)

Although, I didn't want to started this review with such a negativity, I have to admit that Asham Kamboj's experimental horror rubbish "Basement" was probably the worst UK horror flick I've seen in years. It's about six friends trapped in an underground basement deep in the woods. "Basement" is dull, unimaginative, disjointed, and most of all ridiculous, in the worst possible meaning of the word. Its first half was okay, although it was obviously a reminiscent of Nick Hamm's "The Hole" - a million times better movie. The second half turned into a unwatchable confusing mess, and the ending was so laughably bad, it made this film even more horrible. The only positive thing that can be said about "Basement" is that it was terrifyingly claustrophobic and it had the potential to be scary. Yet, unfortunately, this film was neither scary, nor intense or suspenseful to be called a horror. The direction was uninspired and completely amateurish, as was the acting from all the actors involved, with the exception of Kierston Wareing as Sarah, who was the only decent character in the entire movie. The others I just didn't care for. At all. As for the production values, well... they were cheap like the film itself. It had straight-to-video written all over it. How this one got a theatrical release in the UK is still a mystery to me! With its poor storytelling, atrocious acting and lack of thrills, "Basement" is just a failed experiment that you should not take part in, even as a sideviewer.

• My Rating: 3.25/10
• Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
• IMDb: 3.1/10

[3.25/10] Furry Vengeance (2010)

Furry Vengeance (2010)

"Furry Vengeance" tells the story of animals that are trying to save their forest, by making Brendan Fraser character's life miserable. Sure, the film was cute with all the furry animals, and their cute little sounds, and their pranks, and their way of saving their habitat. But that was about it. "Furry Vengeance" could be described with two word - utter stupidity! It wasn't even funny stupidity, but just stupidity. Bad efforts at other genres can be great for laughs, but when comedies fail to elicit laughs, they're just painful and dull. Brendan Fraser, a fine comic and dramatic actor, plays such an idiot, that you laugh when the animals wreck all this havoc on him. He's so dumb he doesn't realize his boss is playing him for a fool until the very end when we get this feel good message about saving the animals and wildlife. However, he has to be given some respect for having the guts to put his 41 year old body, flaws and all out there for everyone to see and laugh at. I actually thought he looked good and his slightly overweight body suited him. This is Brooke Shields first theatrical movie in many years and, I must admit she still looks stunning and very attractive. Shields did a good job as Dan's wife, and they seemed to connect as a couple. There is also sort of 'green' message in "Furry Vengeance", but it's so hypocritical, that it feels more like the blatant leeching of a trend, rather than sincere feeling. Despite its talented cast, "Furry Vengeance" is ridiculously silly revenge comedy, that fails to evoke genuine laughs, and its rushed attempt to deliver positive message fails miserably.

• My Rating: 3.25/10
• Rotten Tomatoes: 08% (2.6/10)
• IMDb: 2.1/10

[3.25/10] Death at a Funeral (2010)

Death at a Funeral (2010)

Short review: I haven't seen the original "Death at a Funeral", but this 2010 remake was so terribly dumb, pointless and boring, it was a torture to watch! It's an example of film-making at its worst - ridiculous acting, silly story, poor script and painfully unfunny jokes. Chris Rock, supposed to be the lead I guess, is not an actor of any discernible talent. He's one of the most overrated comedians, in my opinion. Martin Lawrence was even worse - he was more annoying than funny, and I was hoping the death at this funeral will be... his death. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Zoe Saldana, Danny Glover, Tracey Morgan, Peter Dinklage and Luke Wilson delivered and okay performances though, and they saved "Death at a Funeral" from being totally unwatchable. Since the whole movie was set in one house, the uniform environment quickly became boring and uninteresting, and I found myself begging them to go outside - they needed some fresh air, and so did I. All in all, "Death at a Funeral" is completely unnecessary remake with no story, that is neither entertaining, nor funny, and it deserves to go straight-to-DVD.

• My Rating: 3.25/10
• Rotten Tomatoes: 38% (4.8/10)
• IMDb: 4.8/10

[3.25/10] The Shortcut (2009)

The Shortcut (2009)

Quickrating: "The Shortcut" is yet another boring and predictable teen slasher with cheesy script, stupid scares, zero intensity and ridiculous twist ending, that can fright you only if you're 6.

• My Rating: 3.25/10
• Rotten Tomatoes: 100% (1 Review)
• IMDb: 5.0/10