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Sunday, January 15, 2012

[0.75/10] Don't Go in the Woods (2012)


Don't Go in the Woods (2012)

Brief review: It's only the beginning of 2012, and we already have a serious contender for the worst horror movie of the year. Blending horror and musical successfully is not and easy thing to do, not to say it's nearly impossible (well, unless if you're Tim Burton), and actor-turned-director Vincent D'Onofrio fails miserably in his attempt to mix these genres properly. There's too much music and not enough terror in this sloppy slasher, and if the singing was good that would've been okay, but sadly, apart from one particular song sang by an Asian girl around the campfire, the rest of the songs are absolutely terrible. And there's like 20 of them. The typical "a group of teens go into the woods and bad things happen to them" scenario promises boredom, and this is exactly what we get. Generally, nothing happens during the first hour or so, and later on when the massacre begins, it doesn't really make any sense, because the kills are sudden, yet hardly shocking, and we never get to know who the killer is and what his motives for murdering are. Plus, the film is full of pointless dialogues and annoying characters, and despite its short running time, it feels like watching paint dry. The camera work is bland, the editing is lazy, and the direction as a whole is pretty generic and unimaginative. The gore effects are quite decent, but they're not enough to compensate for the absolute lack of scares and suspense.

Overall summary: Dumb, preposterous, amateurishly-executed and completely devoid of any scares at all, Vincent D'Onofrio's crappy debut feature, "Don't Go in the Woods", is both one of the worst horror movies of the decade and one of the worst musicals in film history.

22 comments:

InfinitePlans said...

Sounds terrible :p

Nebular said...

InfinitePlans, it's just as terrible as it sounds. And then some. :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Wow, I don't think I've ever seen one of your reviews so low! Trust me, I will avoid this flick.

Nebular said...

Alex, over the years I've given some 0s and 1s, but since I have this blog, I've never rated a film so low.
It was that bad. You'd better forget about its existent. :)

Maynard Morrissey said...

wtf? Has this been already released (VOD or DVD, not torrent)?

I'm no fan of musicals, especially not horror musicals, but I'm sure as hell that I'll watch this one.
I already suffered through the amateurish 'Don't Go In The Woods' from 1981, so I think I won't have a problem with suffering through this one too LOL :)

Nicole✗✗ said...

Woah! This sounds reealllly bad. Well I suppose I won't be seeing this one anytime soon or ever. Thanks for the heads up!! : )

Nebular said...

Maynard, it's on VOD, and it had a limited release on Jan 13.

Not a fan of horror musicals either, though I loved Sweeney Todd.
Suffering is the word that describes perfectly how I felt while I was watching this piece of shit. LOL.
Think twice, Harry, think twice.

Nebular said...

Nicole, it was so stupid and pointless I could barely stand it. Avoid at all costs, unless if you beg for a cinematic torture. LOL.

Melissa Bradley said...

Yikes! Sounds like you took a bullet for the rest of us. I shudder to think what the viewing experience was like. You probably wanted to put out your eyes after ten minutes or at the very least staple your fingers together to see something interesting.

Nebular said...

Melissa, I expected a campy slasher with some music thrown in it, but what I got was a poor attempt at horror musical. I survived it thanks to my big patience, but I was so mad at it at the end, I had to unleash my angriness in this review.

What was Vincent D'Onofrio thinking?

Matthew Vanacore said...

LMAO! Your review was terrific. I love to read an unmitigated evisceration of a deservedly horrible film. Great job providing my entertainment quotient for the day :)

And, as a bonus, I know I better stay far clear of this cinematic train wreck.

Anonymous said...

Don't Go In The Woods has been shown in several film festivals since 2009. It is an experimental work and should be viewed with some of its background in mind.

I'll try to donate 0.75 to your tip jar. That's a little more than the two bits your review is worth, but I'm feeling generous.

Nebular said...

Anonymous, donate those 0.75 to director Vincent D'Onofrio, because he's the one who's going to need them. This piece of crap won't make any money at the box office and rightly so.

As for how much is my review worth it, considering your lack of cinematic taste, you're the last man on this planet whose opinion I care about.

I know it's been shown in a few festivals, but I bet their organizers regretted it. LOL.

Nebular said...

Matty, LOL. :)
Glad you liked it. I wish the movie was that fun as well, but it obviously wasn't. I was like WTF?! the whole time. D'Onofrio should go back to acting, because he's a pathetic director.

Max Evel said...

I think Don't Go in the Woods was also a 80's B- Movie as well, and it was crap from what I remember as well. The title does sound familiar.

Kaijinu said...

...(blinks)...you do know i'm still gonna see this! XD

Maurice Mitchell said...

Wow. A horror\musical. I can't imagine how this could possibly have been good. Maybe Spielberg?

Kaijinu said...

I'm still gonna see this! Who knows, I might get another entry to my "bottomless bottom of shame" label! haha!

Nebular said...

Max Evel, I haven't seen the 80s version, but this one was pretty dreadful.

Nebular said...

Kaijinu, well, you were warned.

Nebular said...

Maurice Mitchell, well, Sweeney Todd was a great horror musical, but this one was hardly watchable. Even thinking about it causes me a headache.

Nebular said...

Kaijinu, I bet you will. LOL. :)